dear diary
i’ve been sleeping like utter crap for the past few weeks. not just the slightly disturbed sleep of the insomniac either. i wake up multiple times a night in an utter panic. i’ll wake up mid step across the house, straight up in bed, grasping while my heart flies out of my chest, or feeling as if it wasn’t a dream but reality. i can see, hear and smell the consequences. sometimes I dream so literally that it doesn’t seem like a dream.
for some reason this reoccurring bit is work oriented. in my minds eye I have forwarded very illicit and personal emails to the entire company I work for. some versions of this nightly monstrosity involve text messaging, loss of job, direct emails between my friends, family, co-workers and huge bigwigs in the company. it is beyond any unprofessional trick I’ve ever accomplished in my lifetimes. this past Sunday, after many weeks into this little drama, I actually forced myself to take action. i was awake for the third time that evening at nearly 3a and too prove it was only a dream I made myself power up the PowerBook and check all work and personal email acts as well as my cell. lo and behold my work email was in the same neat fashion I had left it in Friday night when I left the office: innocent and pristinely organized. not an incriminating piece in site. the same for all other accounts. ridiculous and still lacking sleep.
i wish I could fully figure out the cause. i must have this inante and severe fear that someone will discover the sexual photography and art I’ve been sending to my husband, from my personal email account at home, and somehow it will become BLARINGLY public to everyone. it will turn from a secret intimate harmless thing between two consensual adults to a disgusting, dirty gutter impression reserved for the vulgar sites viewed in the week hours of the morning by the sexually addicted deviants and miscreants.
it shouldn’t be considered porn when it’s the private moment between husband and wife. he asked me to fill a need and how could I turn down a man who’s adored me through the good, bad and back again. he may not have been my first roll in the hay but he’s by far my favorite and addicting.
aarg. it’s driving me batty. monday night was the first night I slept for six straight hours without any disruptions in the past nearly five weeks.regardless of what I read, pray or do it doesn’t seem to change. from a girl who has slept fairly consistently on a lifetime basis, going nearly a month with night after night of utter panic bouts over EMAIL PHOBIAS is starting to crack my foundation.
i’ve been really trying to self analyze it and I feel at such a complete loss. i’m not sure if it’s due to the fact that sex in the christian maritial relationship has such a stigmata and I was raised and steeped with that yoke around my neck. perhaps the balance of toys and clean porn, if there is such a thing, and a healthy flirty sensual honesty that is often labeled by elitest religious snobs as dirty. the frantic underlying feeling of loss and grief at the 3 month mark sans the rock in my life (damn the deployment!) could also be at play. or perhaps it’s the fact that my very healthy and regular sexual relationship with my spouse is at it’s most verbal as it has every been and it has taken removing him from the country and joining the military to trigger it all.
for so long I worked hard to respect his feelings about certain things bringing up bad connotations with him that maybe fully unshackled him may be throwing me for a bit of a loop. now that the honeymoon stage is wearing off I’m not feeling balanced. not the honeymoon stage of our marriage but the honeymoon stage of our deployment side. it’s heavy on the physical and mental and sexual side and drastically lacking the spiritual side. i don’t want him to reshackle and maybe that’s the hardest part. i like him unbound … I guess it’s just an adjustment period?
i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i know I want to steer beyond clear of the poorn websites that I’ve trafficked in the past. i know I want to throw myself back into the workout circuit to clear and tone my body back up like it was last year and not become obsessive about food and dieting. i know I want to throw myself back into my spiritual development. i know I want to embrace what true love and a loving community would be like, not the hypocritical two faced snobbish side that is sadly and stereotypically often true. i know I want to learn to balance my snide, snarky sarcassim with patience, loyalty, friendliness and listening skills that I could be so capable of. i know I have an honest desire to continue to expand my sexual side with my man to fully embrace both our characters within respectful boundaries and not let it be colored by others opinions or barriers. i just don’t know how to fix my sleep. drugs aren’t option to me and never play well with my body.
yeesh … I just want to sleep again. i miss my overactive imagination that dreams wildly, wacky, unpredictably and always different. i can’t remember the last time that my fears affected me at such a deep way. i deeply miss my boy laying in our bed next too me, soothing me back to sleep with his cute comments about how cute and crazy I am … just loving me, never judging me. I love you baby. I’m sorry I’m such a basket case sometimes.
rb
