dear diary.
i feel the addiction eating at me.
i hate her. i don’t know why but i think of it as a girl, not a thing but a living, breathing organism.
i hate the fact that when the world feels quiet and i skim through my blogs i always impulsively have to check the site. you see violet blue isn’t the issue. it isn’t her fault at all. no it’s the other her. the one that taunts me and gnaws at the edge of my sanity.
it’s not a religious thing. it’s not a sin thing. it’s not a anti-masturbation thing, it’s a control thing.
it’s getting off on the f*dandbound or f*ing machines sites. people panting and moaning while i hover near my laptop doing a dirty deed.
i don’t know why it feels dirty. perhaps it’s that i want to find that act with my husband sacred and the more i get off on the web the harder it is to get off with him and he really REALLY knows what i need. maybe it’s because i know very, very, very few women that will admit to this problem. like one.
is anyone out there? can you hear me? do you feel the pain?
I hear ya and I totally feel your pain. There was a time I was seriously addicted to porn it has a very strange way of leading you deeper and deeper down. I love Jesus and wish I could really feel his love for me because my sin is that of looking for attention and love from men, other than my husband. Maybe it is because I have sex fantasies of having an affair or maybe it is because I have caught my husband in lies about my physical appearance that I don’t believe him anymore. I want to be craved. Being approached by him once a week just doesn’t make me think he yearns for me. The reason I got away from the on line porn is because he really got down on me for it and because I felt more dirty than I do just recklessly flirting with unassuming men. I know that my current sin is just as bad and more likely to have bigger consequences but I can justify my way out of it and deny it better than I could when he does a history check on the computer. I am so glad you started this blog. I hope we can find more women who understand and we can quietly support one another.