Part of my porn addiction problem is that I’ve found That One Website. It’s a dangerous website. It’s dangerous because it’s my inner dark fantasy come to life.

I’ll be honest and say that it’s not always easy being honest online. Especially when sarcasm is a strong suit and you read porn but haven’t made a habit to write it.
I guess I couldn’t soften the description and say it’s a sexual fantasy but a spade really is a spade.

Gah! Back on track. I have a hidden desire for bondage and domination. By bondage I mean that I we would take turns being bound and by domination I mean NOW BITCH!

The hardest thing with being raised in a strict Christian home is that the most innocent of light romance books with kissing scenes were considered EVIL let alone the full make out-every-but-sex sessions in the back of the school bus following sporting events.

That translates to a warped view of what marital christian sex could be. Which than causes you to ride that line between feeling like a Dirty Cheating Whore for fantasying about images from the website and trying to envision it being me and enjoying the different mission style and doggy position on the bed.

Crazy times and a twisted mind.

dear diary.

she’s the white elephant in the room. you smile and laugh and giggle with your friends, all the while wondering if they can see her. will they let you near their children? will they brand you with a scarlet letter?

she has nothing to do with children. she has nothing to do with other people. she really has nothing to do with other people. they don’t realize that.

did you know they persecute you in religious circles? men have help groups and accountability circles. women have ‘coping with your husband’s addiction’ books. i’ve had women look at me completely aghast when i even start to broach the subject.

sometimes it’s really hard to believe that God Loves Me. Period. if other christians don’t even admit the sin, yet they could admit murder, adultery and theft, how can they understand? how could they empathize?

my desire is to be that voice. be the advice and the ear and the help. i can’t be the only one in this struggle. fighting for independence and nontraditional wife responsibilities while wanting an on fire domineering sex life with my husband.  proving you can love God and not have to shut off your sexuality with a floor length dress and head cover and remove yourself completely from the EVIL WORLD WIDE WEB.

there has to be another way. take a journey with me.

dear diary.

i feel the addiction eating at me.

i hate her. i don’t know why but i think of it as a girl, not a thing but a living, breathing organism.

i hate the fact that when the world feels quiet and i skim through my blogs i always impulsively have to check the site. you see violet blue isn’t the issue. it isn’t her fault at all. no it’s the other her. the one that taunts me and gnaws at the edge of my sanity.

it’s not a religious thing. it’s not a sin thing. it’s not a anti-masturbation thing, it’s a control thing.

it’s getting off on the f*dandbound or f*ing machines sites.  people panting and moaning while i hover near my laptop doing a dirty deed.

i don’t know why it feels dirty. perhaps it’s that i want to find that act with my husband sacred and the more i get off on the web the harder it is to get off with him and he really REALLY knows what i need. maybe it’s because i know very, very, very few women that will admit to this problem. like one.

is anyone out there? can you hear me? do you feel the pain?